Have you ever felt forgotten, set aside, almost invisible? Have you ever been suffering on the inside from loss, pain, exclusion while the whole world seems to be going on merrily around you despite the despair you are feeling on the inside? This isn’t a commercial for a random medication on TV, this is the struggle of infertility & miscarriages through the holiday season for me. I have to back up and say that I absolutely love Christmas. I love this time of year & all that comes with it. The shopping, the prepping, the family, the decorating, the lights, all of it. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s so so so hard. You see this Christmas we would have an almost 5 year old who would be running down the stairs on Christmas morning to open their gifts, singing in a Christmas program, dressing in ridiculously cute red & green attire, & joyfully anticipating Santa’s arrival here on White Cottage Farm. This dream has been shadowed by seven losses & years of infertility which with that being said, who knows what our family dynamic would look like & how many kids we would have here on this little farm of ours…
But here we are. Christmas with seven babies in heaven & struggling with our infertility journey. The holidays are a constant struggle between the joy of it all & the amplified grief of what we have suffered. Daily I have to tell myself to get out of bed in the morning, to be kind & forgiving, to be gentle when my soul feels so unstable, to text or call friends back when my grief is so dark I have no words to say to them, to be happy when the holidays are a reminder of what we have lost. I was talking to my aunt the other day about how Christmas amplifies every feeling we have. It amplifies the good & it amplifies the bad. The good stuff like Christmas movies, snuggles, surprises, snow, & all of that stuff seems so much better during the holidays & the bad stuff like loss, accidents, & pain seem so much worse during the holidays. Things that seem amazing or things that seem terrible are amplified and exaggerated during this tim of year. Another thing about the Christmas season? It’s isolating in every way possible. It’s a struggle to fight the loneliness with every holiday tradition. When we go to Christmas parties & all the kids are up seeing Santa we kind of fade into the crowd, when there is photos with the grandkids we kind of just get shoved to the side, when conversations get brought up about Christmas baby things we have nothing to add to the convo, & when everyone is sharing about the Christmas joy with kids you just feel like it’s a big punch in the gut. It’s hard not to take it all personal. It’s hard not to ask why the world is still going on when you are having your moments of sadness. It’s not easy to put that happy face on at parties when you want to cry. It’s difficult to explain your anxiety & depression while also being happy to friends and family. It’s hard not to get mad when someone says something insensitive. It’s hard not to be hurt when nothing is said or your babies aren’t recognized. It’s all hard. & messy. & there is no right way to navigate any of it. I feel set aside, tossed away, & forgotten most days during the holiday season.. & that’s a tough pill to swallow even when I know it’s not true & that it’s just the impact of the loss & the tragedy of the entire fertility journey that we are on.
Recently I received a letter in the mail that changed my life. It was from Keena Alyce Designs [HERE] & she sent me a sign to my P.O. Box that she made along with a letter that would forever alter my thoughts. We were on our way home from a Christmas party the night I opened the package from Keena & on the way home I was trying to explain to Jose how I felt, but I just couldn’t put it into words. I talked about how I felt forgotten. How I just felt like my prayers weren’t being heard & that I had just become “the girl with all of the miscarriages” to everyone. I felt as if God had forgotten little old me & everyone else was getting their moment to become a momma here on earth. I was sad that I couldn’t put it into better words than that, but I’m not always great with words & I knew Jose understood exactly how I was feeling. I mean, I’m not the only one navigating this path of infertility, Jose is right by my side feeling these things as well. So, we get home, exhausted from the party, & for some reason I decided to open Keena’s package that had been sitting in our kitchen for a week because I had been too sick to open it. When I opened it & saw the sign it said “Set Apart” & I was kind of like… ummm I don’t really understand those words, but then a large letter was with the sign so I decided to read it & see what it was all about. The letter explained it all. Basically Keena shared her story of waiting & feeling “set aside” then she mentioned her study recent of the book “Uninvited” by Lysa Terkhurst [HERE] which I have also started reading, but haven’t made it all the way through yet. Keena went on to talk about a part in the book that Lysa had written about how she had felt rejected & set said aside when God spoke to her and said that she was not “set aside” but she was “set apart” just like Hannah was in the Bible when she longed for a child as she saw women around her being blessed with children. What Hannah didn’t know is she was set apart from others & meant to have the great privilege of being the mother of Samuel at the right time with many other great purposes. In 1 Samuel 1:20 it says that Hannah became Pregnant “in the course of time.” She goes on to say that God’s delay is for our protection and His purposes & that as we wait in constant faithful prayer God will answer “in the course of time.” God as truly set us apart for great things. He has not set us aside. Her letter put our journey in a whole new perspective for me. The holidays were making me caught up in how I felt our life should look like, when in all actuality our life looks exactly how God wants it to in this moment & by all means when you step back & look at it… it’s a beautiful life. God has truly blessed us in our time of waiting for a child & if we dwell on the wait we can totally miss how wonderful it truly is.
This letter & sign given to us were life changing. The words had been right in a book on my coffee table for months & I just didn’t see them. So thank you Keena for sending this perspective to me and changing my outlook on this holiday season. We all go through seasons in our life filled with rejections, failures, & other hard situations & it’s so easy to feel forgotten and left out. But that isn’t the truth at all. That’s not our path to take. God has a great plan for us & in our time of waiting we can do big things in His name, we can fulfill his plan with grace & love, we can be faithful every step of the way knowing we are not set aside… but simply set apart from the crowd. My prayer this Christmas is that you all feel loved [because you are], that you all feel included [because you are], that you feel wanted [because you are], & most of all that we aren’t comparing our stories to everyone else’s. We are on our own path that hopefully looks different from everyones because God is doing wonderful things in our lives. Friends. Thank you for making me feel included, loved, & cherished this holiday season… honestly I owe so much to you for stopping by the blog daily, chatting with me on social media, & for being able to meet you in person. Thank you. For those interested, you can read more about our story [HERE]. xx
“There is an instinct in a woman to love most, her own child: and an instinct to make any child who Needs Her Love, Her Own.” – Robert Breault
Perhaps God’s Perfect intention IS leading you on the right path all of this time, because sometimes our most precious gifts don’t grow under our hearts, but in it. <3
Thank you for sharing your heart! I needed this reminder.
Liz, my first angel baby was due at Christmas. What a bitter pill that was, when God took my angel. My second I lost on Mothers’ Day weekend a few years later. I know how you feel. The best news are my miracles, both boys, now 26 and 28, plus our adopted daughter, 34. Patience is the hardest part, especially when no one has answers for the whys; why we couldn’t get pregnant, and why I lost the two. God does have a plan, and my life is proof. You have so much love to share; God won’t let that go to waste. Love and hugs during this difficult season.
Your shop is on my bucket list to visit. I’d love to run into you and tell you in person how impressed and inspired I am by you!
Nancy
Thank you
Merry Christmas, to you Liz Marie, and Jose.
God is holding you both close, and He knows your hurt. I love the reminder from that book, that God sets us apart for things, or for a time because of what He has coming for us. He is good, and I want you to know that I am praying for you – to know God’s great love at all times, to know that you are more than infertility, that your life has meaning and purpose, even without your children in your arms. You are a mother and a father who have trusted God with His plan for those souls that are now in heaven. None of us are guaranteed long life – He alone numbers our days. It doesn’t mean your children had no life or purpose, because they did. Not how we all would have wanted it, oh not at all, but they lived, and their souls are with God.
I’m not sure why I wrote all this too you, I’m new to your blog this year, but it was on my heart to encourage you and to remind you of how much you are loved.
I’m so sorry Liz. God does have a perfect plan for you! Jesus is so awesome, and he knows how you feel….I have 2 girls, one is a Type 1 Diabetic (which is an autoimmune disease…completely different than type 2) but, before i had my 2 girls…..I lost a baby – and it was devastating…..I think about he / she often (i think it was a boy) with all that being said….I know what you mean to be set apart or having a difficult time during the holidays….. I’m in an abusive marriage – he is an alcoholic and I have had a miserable life for close to 10 years now. I’m trying to make the right choices for myself and especially my girls….but it’s hard…hard to leave my home, (which I love) but it’s just a house….it’s not worth my sanity or my children’s well being…..I look at all the other blogs and instagram feeds and see the “happy families” and it hurts, and I’m so sad. we’re just human and God completely understands the way we feel, I think. I cling to this verse:
2 Corinthians 12:9-11 New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I’m praying for you & your husband (who seems really awesome, btw) you’re are truly blessed in that sense….I pray God sends your rainbow babies – soon – in his timing…..and it will all be okay…..God bless you!!
Elizabeth, I love Liz Marie’s blog and read it daily. I never read the comments but today I did. I am sorry to hear that you and your girls are living in an abusive home. It was on my heart to share this resource with you, https://www.thehotline.org/ There are supports available, and with God on your side you do not need to suffer alone. You and your family are in my prayers <3
This is beautiful
Beautiful…. little do you know how God is using you in this path if life. There are those that look at you and say, wow, she’s beautiful, has a loving husband, a fine home, a thriving business..she’s hot it all! And then reading your story find out that behind the smile is a deep sadness. But in all of your heartache, you never forget to give glory to God! Such an inspiration to others to hear that through disappointments and feelings of isolation and wondering where are you God, you always–even through the tiny reminders of faraway friends that you are not alone and others share your feelings. God wants us to be happy and He will be rejoicing with you from Heaven when He sees you holding your first born in your arms. Until then, thank you for continuing to remind us that through all of life’s struggles, He is always with us and not to lose our faith…
So beautifuly said! Thank you for always sharing your heart! Prayers for comfort and strength, and that in his timing you will have your angel babies ❤️ Merry Christmas
What a beautiful reminder to be more loving and sensitive to ALL at this time of year. You never truly know what is being FELT behind someone’s smile!? Loss and Love are exemplified at the holidays. I think you are a beautiful person, inside and out! Many prayers and gratitude for this reminder❤️
This Christmas season I want to ask your sweet angel babies in heaven to pray for us here on Earth. I cannot pretend to know your feelings of pain and loss and wheher or not this will help, but I know those babies are in the loving arms of Mary with baby Jesus, as they have been every Christmas, knowing they have parents who cannot wait to meet them someday in Paradise.
Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I have been attending a grief class for months now. Griefshare.org has classes all over the country and the biggest take away I have gotten so far…i hope you don’t mind me sharing. We live in a broken world. This is not it for us. Without darkness, pain, grief, sorrow, despair, and all the junk that goes along with that then there would be no need for a Christ. Without Christ no Christmas. The sole purpose of Christmas is for the Light to come and overcome the darkness. I pray one day your prayers are answered and further more I pray you feel peace surrounding you and your husband in this cold and dark time.
Depression is a serious matter. It may be time to get some professional help. Anyone who is having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning due to depression has a serious need for help. You need not be ashamed. You need to find help, as it seems it is coloring every aspect of your life.
Bless you, Liz and Jose. Keep holding on to Jesus. One day this will all make sense. Right now you are doing so much to help other mamas navigate their losses. Today is my baby’s due date, she didn’t make it. God is still here.
Thank you and God bless you, Liz. I really needed to hear this today. Our struggles are not the same, but your reminder, to enjoy where we are while waiting for what’s to come, and to be comforted by God during the wait, is so helpful and relevant to me. ?
Dear Liz
It breaks my heart to see you suffering, my story is a little different than yours , I never got pregnant but wanted children in my life.
My husband and I adopted two beautiful baby girls and they are the joys of our lives .
I hope you and Jose are parents soon , as the first comment on this blog said “ you didn’t grow under my heart but in it”.
It was that way for us ?
You are set apart as well as a spiritually strong woman. You continue to be a great inspiration for all women. Many more blessings to come your way and much love ?.
Exactly true. We have adopted 7 children. Children created by God but rejected by the world. We are all God’s children try adoption. It is the greatest gift that natural moms will never experience. Look for the positive and God will do the rest
Liz,
Thank you for sharing your heart, your story, and your courage. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have read this, literally tears streaming down my face because I know in my heart how hard this time of year is too. I love how you said everything is amplified, the highs and the lows. I needed to hear this new perspective, because I too have been struggling so hard with my own infertility this season. I truly felt peace and love as I read this, and it brought such a comfort to me in my time of struggle. Thank you for simply being you. I admire your honesty, and courage to share. It’s often too hard to be so so open.
Merry Christmas to you and Jose and your cute little farm, and know you have made an impact ❤️
Love,
Jordan Simpson
I got married in my thirties, I was and I´m blessed with 3 beautiful children. But before I had them I always though of the possibility of me adopting one or two Asian girls (Chinese / Indian). I don´t know why but I was always fascinated by them.
Well lady….I wish I could give you a big hug. We went through infertility for about 5 years. The questions. The feeling left out. The why and how come?! It was sooooo hard. I was reminded today that when we went through it we decided to adopt. Had to get lab work done to see how healthy we were and it was discovered that my hubby had really high cholesterol. The doctor told him he needed to make some changes or he would be dead by 35 (we were about 26 at the time). We actually never ended up adopting. Two years later I was pregnant. It was a rough pregnancy..but we had a healthy baby girl. And then 5 1/2 years later a boy. Both of my kids are miracles. The doctors didn’t know how I got pregnant…as I was told I wouldn’t. Well God had a different plan. Here is the thing I have learned….it’s all for his glory. Who knows….that journey could have saved my hubby’s life. He is healthy now and all labs are monitored yearly. Our story has helped others and brought them closer to our heavenly father. Pressing in to him… And not asking why but saying ok. What am I supposed to learn? Knowing that he will write the best story possible and trusting him. That’s a hard one. When we decided to adopt it was a mental switch…I just wanted to be a mom. I realized I loved my neice and nephews like they were mine and they we’re not blood related (not that had ever mattered but I remember at the time I wanted a baby from us)…that my friends kids who I adored were not anyway connected to me….but I would do anything for. That made me realize that love really has no bounds. That I wanted to be a mom more than carrying a child. It was a huge mental switch. We know several families who adopted and adoption is still part of my heart and maybe we will walk down that path again. Not sure why I’m sharing all this..maybe to just let you know you really are not alone. Merry Christmas and I hope you have the best year yet. Xo
You are truly an inspiration Liz. I have had moments where I have felt forgotten as well, the holidays did make it harder. It’s interesting to hear someone else’s perspective on how the holiday season isn’t cheerful for everybody. I, like you, choose to focus on the good and trust in god’s plan for me. It’s not always easy,but focusing on gratitude helps me get by. With great loss comes great strength. I truly believe that God is molding you and preparing you for motherhood in one way or another. When you put good into the world, you receive all that good juju back. God bless pretty lady.
The teacher doesn’t give the answers during the test. Patience and faith are indeed the hardest virtues as you have found. You are preparing the way with these. Blessings❤️??
This Christmas I’ve struggled With an immense amount of anxiety. Causing me to become very antisocial at times and just plain overwhelmed by life. After reading this you have given me so much strength. Anxiety stole a bit of my Christmas cheer and you helped me find it again. Thank you ❤️ You write with so much grace and are so wise beyond what many are capable of. I can only imagine what you’re going through. I’m so sorry fo your loss. Sending you virtual (((hugs))).
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart. I too, know firsthand how gut wrenching infertility can be. We had a seven year journey with infertility. Your words resonated with me today, as I remember vividly the feelings of being childless during the holidays, and the (unintentionally) hurtful things that friends and family would say and do. It was a very winding road to parenthood for us… This Christmas I am so blessed. My son is 11. His birthday is a week before Christmas, and he came into our lives through a series of events; long story short, he is the child that God had always planned for us. We adopted him internationally, and brought him home at 6 months of age. I cannot imagine things any other way now, but it took a while for us to realize that this was God’s plan. Stay strong in the knowledge that you are under His wing, and He has not forgotten you. Listen for the small whispers and messages that will guide you along on your beautiful path. Merry Christmas to you, Jose, and your beautiful angel babies resting in His arms. May their love and light shine bright upon you, and help to light your way.
This was such a beautiful and heartfelt post. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you. I’m 62 now and I walked a similar path in my 30’s with the infertility struggle and 5 losses. I went through so many of the same emotions. We never did end up having children together but I was blessed with a wonderful stepson who was 6 when my husband and I married. It was a difficult journey especially since my step son Nick used me to take out all his anger on. Looking back, it’s not at all how I would have planned my life but it’s been such a wonderful growth experience for me. As I sobbed unconttollably after losing my 5th baby my step son was about 11 or 12 and stood outside my door waiting to comfort me. He reminded me that I had him and that one day he hopefully would be blessed with children and I would get to be a grandmother. There are so many paths and choices that we have in life and things don’t always unfold as we pray or expect them to be but god will fill your void. Hopefully, you will one day be blessed with children. Sometimes they come in a different package like it did for Layla Palmer from the blog The Letterd Cottage. God will never abandon you. I struggled with so many of the same questions, hurts and dissapointments as you. I felt forgotten and set apart from everyone. I still wonder about those babies sometimes and all the milestones that I miss but my heart is not heavy as it used to be. I do have 3 beautiful grandchildren. We considered adoption and even foster care but I decided against it because I couldn’t bear any more losses. I thank you so much for sharing your journey because you provide so much hope for those with the same struggles that we can get through this. Wishing you and Jose much love and comfort this holiday season and I pray that your hearts and lives will be filled with the laughter of children.