Those hard days. The ones that no one wants to talk about or read about for that matter. Well, I’m sorry, but I am here to tell you that I have hard days sometimes & I can’t keep that to myself for fear that you think that all my days are good & that I’m always strong. I have now been sharing our fertility journey here on the blog for three years. I have shared about our loss, how I get through our miscarriages, how loss has brought me closer to God, my diagnosis, & a lot more. I get emails, comments, & messages daily saying how strong I am for enduring all our losses, but I did want to come on here today & share with you that I am not always strong. I have weak moments where I feel like breaking down & giving up. It’s not very often that I share the bad days. Those hard days where the thought of losing our babies becomes so overwhelming & the thought of continuing on our fertility seems hopeless. These days are very far & few in between, but they exist & I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t share them with you. I am not one to sit around & dwell on things, but some days are just hard & that is quite normal I think. This week I had a few hard days & I felt compelled to share with you because maybe one of you is having a hard day & you feel alone.
We are litteraly living our dream right now. We have our dream farmhouse, a store, we are starting a farm, spending wonderful years as best friends being married, getting new opportunities everyday, & so much more. I know all of these things are blessings from God & that this is where He wants us in this moment & I trust that with all of my heart. I do. But I am human & there are some days that it’s hard for me to function. If we had never suffered a loss of a child we would have a three year old right now. That is one of the hardest thoughts I have. & some weeks where thoughtless comments from others make me cry I wish that I could just stay in bed all day. There are some days where I just feel like no one understands how the loss effects me. I feel like no one cares, I feel like our babies are forgotten by everyone, I feel lost, scared, uncertain, I get aches of “why me?”, & I go down a dark path of wondering what it would be like if our babies were here with us. All of these feelings make me feel alone in those moments because the world goes on around me like nothing is happening. But when I’m not having a hard day I know this isn’t true. Sure others don’t feel the extreme pain of losing our children like we do, but there are people who care, who love our babies in heaven, & who are there for us on our journey. It’s those hard days that make everything seem just a little bit harder than it has to be. In those hard days there is a lot of darkness & not a lot of light.
Lately we have been so busy with the farmhouse, the store, good days, & life, that I’ve been getting worn out easily & can’t possibly imagine having children on top of all of this stuff, but that doesn’t mean the ache of loss isn’t there. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have been overjoyed to have our babies here with us through it all to make us more exhausted in the best way possible. It’s always there, but sometimes it’s harder to handle than other days. When feelings are triggered by a hurtful comment from someone close to you, when you feel like there isn’t support or sympathy from people you love, & when occasions come like due dates & holidays that make you miss your babies more than usual it hurts & it makes the day hard. The one thing I have learned through these years of fertility is to know that not everyone knows what they are saying hurts you, some people don’t know how to comfort you, & there will be days that are harder than others. You are not alone in your loss. Hard days are normal. Hard days will come, but they will go. I promise. Hold tight to hope through those hard days. Hold on to God’s promise. Know that you are not alone. Know that whatever you are feeling through your loss & fertility journey is normal. Pray for healing, know that there are better days ahead. I cling to these words in my hard days & I hope it helps some of you too. Romans 8:18 “The pain you are feeling is nothing compared to the joy that is coming.” Thank you all for helping me with my hard days. Thank you for supporting us on our fertility journey. Thank you for understanding the ups & downs of our miscarriage story. Thank you for aknowleding our babies in heaven when you meet me in person & online. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you. I hope that I can help you in some small way through your hard days as well. xx
On one of my hard days this week this video popped up on my facebook of Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum singing a song she wrote about her miscarriage & I completely broke down and sobbed. Sometimes a good cry is just what the doctor ordered & the words of this song spoke right to my soul & said everything that I felt. I hope this song comforts you today in some way & helps those of you who have suffered loss..
Read about our miscarriages [here]
My thoughts are with you. I miscarried, too. It was devastating.
It is because of your blog that my two daughters (yes both) found out they have picos. My oldest -unable to conceive after two long and emotional years and several IUI’s later now has two foster children…sisters a two and four year old. I know that is not for everyone, but it was for her and her husband. The younger daughter has yet to try to conceive…her outcome is yet to be told. I suffered a miscarriage not one year goes by I do not remember the day I lost that baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband
Hang in there, its ok to have hard days. Your in my thoughts with prayers.
My prayers the past few weeks have been “Strength to the weary and power to the weak.” It has been endless how many people needed it. Today my reading included “”For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” 2 Chronicles 16:9 When I was praying I asked the Lord who I could help today….and less than a minute later your blog popped up. I am so sorry for your losses. I pray God will be sending you encouragement.
My heart breaks knowing what you’ve been through. I’ve lost two beautiful babies as well.
I’m so proud of you for not allowing yourself to be swallowed up by the darkness. Keep loving your life. Continue to find the joy in your days, even in the most simple of things. Keep pushing on, even when it seems so much easier to crawl back under the covers.
Know that you’re thought about and prayed for by many. Wishing you all the best, sweet girl!
Liz,
My heart absolutely breaks for you and your family. I can’t imagine what you must feel going through this so many times. It is my prayer that one day, if it is God’s will that you will have a child. I have considered many times since reading your blog to share some information with you that may or may not be helpful for you. Since I don’t know you or your whole situation, please forgive me if this isn’t helpful but I feel that God wants me to share this with you.
There is an amazing place in Nebraska called the Pope Paul VI Institute. Their main focus is to help women who are really struggling with fertility. They have a very high success rate and the most important thing is is that they really try to get to the source of the problem for why women are having problems conceiving. It is a really amazing place. I encourage you, if you feel that this would help you, to please prayerfully consider looking at their site. Again my heart breaks for you and your family and I just really feel that God can use this amazing source for you. Their site is https://www.popepaulvi.com/contact.php. Also here is their other contact info:
Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction
6901 Mercy Rd.
Omaha, NE 68106
Main: (402) 390-6600 Fax: (402) 390-9851
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will take all of your heartache and help you through this very difficult time. God bless you Liz and may His peace and love surround you!
I am so sorry for your losses. Although I never had fertility problems and do have three wonderful children and grandchildren, I do know the devastating loss of a baby. In April 1990, my full term, beautiful baby girl, Melissa, died 8 1/2 hours after birth. Melissa was born critically ill with the dangerous infection, Group B Strep. My grief was larger than life. I did not know if I could or wanted to live after her death. It took years to even begin to feel I could survive. I could go on and on and on but I just want to say I am so sorry for your pain. I understand the lonely road a couple finds themselves on after the death of a baby. I understand the good days and bad days. Melissa would be 26 years old. I still have days that bring me to my knees. I always will.
I understand your pain. It has been 22 years since I lost what would have been my second child but God had other plans for that baby. He did allow me to conceive and I went on to have 5 more children. It took me 8 years to allow God to do what He does best…to heal my heart of the pain that I felt from losing that child. On the anniversary of my loss, I would mourn and ask “why?” I asked God to show me how to get past this hurt and this pain, asked Him to show me scripture that would help me deal with this loss. I opened my bible to Romans 8:24. I read these words “For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth why doeth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” For me, He was telling me that I have a hope. My child was gone from my body and this earth BUT not from the reality and fact that one day, I will see my child. So with patience, I will wait for that blessed hope. From that day on I can say that my tears of mourning ceased…my tears now are that of joy and hope of seeing my beloved child. I never really thought about i before but, I can definitely take comfort in knowing that my child knows me and looks down from heaven and sees me and one day there is going to be a glorious reunion.
I just really wanted to share that scripture verse with you in the hopes that maybe it can speak to you the same way it did for me and that God pours out his love and his comfort during those difficult times when it feels like you are carrying the weight of this world. May peace, love and Gods guidance fill your spirit and your soul in the days ahead.
Many Blessings,
Marnie
Hi there,
I am a daily reader, but never commented before. My husband and I have not suffered a loss, but we have suffered not being able to conceive. I have so many people telling me that it’s in God’s timing, or maybe right now we just aren’t meant to be parents, and others just flat out say well I hate my kids, you can have them. Sometimes I just want someone to say, “I can’t imagine how you are feeling and if I can, the only thing I can say is that it must suck.” I know that is such a horrible word to use but that really is how it feels. It is just such a tough situation, especially when you feel as if God designed you with a mother’s heart. I am not a mother yet, but I ache for the children we have not been blessed to have yet. I do know that ultimately it is His timing and when it does happen, whether it by a natural birth or adoption, it will be wonderful. BUT being human makes it very hard to be patient, which is something I strive for everyday. I just want you to know that you are NOT alone and although I don’t know you personally, we are linked by heart and spirit. Sending love and prayers your way.
ty
Really good info. Thanks!
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” Albert Camus
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I recently found out my 2 1/2 year old puppy has stage 5 cancer. Although your journey is completely different, your words and wisdom meant so much with what I have been thinking and feeling. So THANK YOU for opening your heart and sharing even the most personal experiences you have and are currently facing. Just know that in more ways than you might think, you help others- and THAT is a beautiful gift.
Good evening Liz!
I felt inclined to reach out to you because I follow your blog and Instagram and I truly love the design work you do! I, also, feel connected to you in the sense that we are on a very similar journey to parenthood. I have suffered 5 losses of my own. 4 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy that resulted in emergency surgery and the removal of my left Fallopian tube. That being said, I am a nurse and am determined to do my own research and “help” put the puzzle pieces together with my doctor to get some answers and make my dream come true. Anyway, I have read many research articles and a dozen books to get searching for answers. I do not know all the specifics of what you have had tested and done, but I highly recommend the book “Is Your Body Baby Friendly?” (Recommended to me by my acupuncturist. It is highly insightful and is about immunology reproduction. That is if you are interested in reading anything along those lines. There is quite a bit of medical talk, but that considered it is surprisingly an “easy” read. I just feel like no women should have to suffer through this journey and if we can all ban together and educate ourselves and fight for this, maybe we will see positive changes in the world of fertility. All my best to you, your husband, and puppies! God bless!
I would second the Pope Paul VI Institute! I have PCOS as well and have had four beautiful earth bound babies from working with trained physicians in the NFP method – Creighton Model. I went to AALFA in St. Paul, MN. https://www.aalfafamily.com/